There are no words to express the feelings that have coursed through my soul over the past few days. Terror.... disbelief...heart-wrenching sadness; those words do not even begin to touch on it. I cannot explain how it felt to huddle in a classroom, knowing there was a shooter on campus, but not knowing if my friends and loved ones were safe... hearing that we had lost some, but not who. Or the terror of realizing I was supposed to be in the computer lab he shot into first. My favorite lab. That I would have been a victim, not a survivor had my boyfriend not suggested I stop in at another building because it was closer to my class. He saved my life with that suggestion. Or how I broke a bit when I couldn't reach a best friend. Or finding out that my other friends were okay, but should have been there in those class rooms that day.
Being search... walking to the buses... passed the crime scene... I just... I can't say how it all feels even now. Getting the names of those gone, knowing one on the list...
This was our home, our safe place where we came to learn. We thrive there, we make friends and find love. We learn and grow... and in a few seconds that was taken from us. A man so filled with hatred that he had to hurt others.... the senselessness. We never think it will happen to us. Not our town, not my college. We are a quiet town, close knit and UCC is a beautiful, peaceful campus. I love it there... and now....now it all hurts so badly. I'm writing this through tears, which have been my constant companion for the past few days. Laughter hurts, bring around people who can't understand how we all feel... we are survivors, and yet victims as well. We may not have been hit... but our heart still aches.
I know people will say that time will heal, and it will. We will move on from this. But for now we gather together to comfort one another. We cry, we scream at the sheer senselessness of it all. And we mourn our losses while celebrating our heroes. We are UCC and we are STRONG.
Please, my dear ones, say a little prayer, or heartfelt good wishes for us. And hold your loved ones close. Remember October 1st. And remember us.